Perfectionism as Protection: How Brainspotting Heals the Deeper Wounds Behind It
Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do, it’s never enough? Maybe you push yourself to get everything “just right” at work, keep your house spotless, or show up for your family in ways that leave you drained. On the outside, you may appear to have it all together. But inside, it feels heavy—like you’re walking around with a brick on your chest.
Perfectionism often feels like the only way to stay safe, loved, and accepted. Yet the cost is high: constant stress, anxiety, and the sense that your worth depends on performance. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. In this blog, we’ll explore how perfectionism develops as a form of protection, how it shows up in daily life, and how Brainspotting therapy can help you heal the deeper wounds driving it.
What Perfectionism Really Looks Like
Perfectionism isn’t just wanting to do a good job. It’s the belief that mistakes make you unworthy. It shows up in small and big ways, often shaping every part of life.
At work: You might spend hours rewriting an email, triple-checking every detail, or staying late even when others have gone home. You fear being seen as lazy, unprepared, or not good enough.
At home: Maybe you keep your house spotless, not because you enjoy it, but because you feel anxious if it isn’t perfect. Or you replay conversations with your kids or partner, worried you said the “wrong” thing.
With yourself: Even when you succeed, you focus on the flaws. If you get praise, you brush it off, telling yourself you “could have done better.”
Perfectionism can feel like you are in control of your life, but really, it’s a cage. It keeps you from connecting deeply with yourself and others because you’re always on guard, afraid of failure or judgment.
Perfectionism as Protection
Many people think perfectionism is a personality trait, but it’s more than that—it’s a survival strategy. For many, perfectionism starts in childhood.
Think about it: if you grew up with parents who were critical, had high expectations, or only showed affection when you performed well, you likely learned to link love with achievement. Maybe you got attention when you earned good grades, looked a certain way, or behaved the way they wanted. Over time, you learned:
“If I perform well, I’ll be loved.”
“If I make mistakes, I’ll be rejected.”
Perfectionism became a shield. It protected you from criticism, rejection, and the pain of not feeling fully accepted. While it helped you survive as a child, it creates problems in adulthood.
The Cost of Living in Perfectionism
Perfectionism doesn’t just affect how you think—it impacts your body, emotions, and relationships.
Family life: You may struggle to relax with your kids or partner. Instead of enjoying time together, you feel pressure to “get everything done” and “It has to be done right.” This can create tension, distance, and resentment.
Work life: You might overwork, take on too much responsibility, or avoid new opportunities out of fear of failing. Burnout is common.
View of self: Inside, there’s often a harsh inner critic. No matter what you do, it tells you that you’re not good enough.
Perfectionism also fuels anxiety. The constant drive to control creates a state of tension in your nervous system. Your body stays stuck in “fight or flight,” making it hard to relax, sleep, or feel safe. Over time, this chronic stress can lead to headaches, stomach issues, or even health problems.
How Perfectionism Affects the Nervous System
Your nervous system is designed to help you feel safe, calm, and connected. But when perfectionism takes over, your body is often in survival mode.
Rigidity: You feel the need to control every detail because uncertainty feels dangerous.
Hypervigilance: You’re always scanning for mistakes or signs of disapproval.
Difficulty regulating emotions: Small setbacks feel overwhelming, and calming down can feel impossible.
This constant stress drains energy and keeps you disconnected from your body. Instead of feeling present, you’re stuck in your head, overthinking and worrying.
What Is Brainspotting?
Brainspotting therapy is a powerful way to heal the deeper roots of perfectionism. It works by using eye positions—“brainspots”—that connect to the places in your brain and body where trauma is stored. Instead of just talking about your experiences, Brainspotting helps your body release the unresolved pain beneath them.
Where talk therapy often stays in the thinking brain, Brainspotting reaches the survival brain—the part that holds onto childhood wounds and protective strategies like perfectionism. This allows true healing to happen at a deep, physiological level.
How Brainspotting Heals Perfectionism at the Root
When perfectionism grows out of developmental trauma, the issue isn’t just “wanting to do well.” It’s about survival. If love and safety felt tied to performance in childhood, your nervous system learned to equate perfection with protection.
For example:
A parent only praised you when you brought home straight A’s.
A caregiver criticized your appearance, leading you to believe you must look “perfect” to be valued.
Love and affection were withdrawn when you made mistakes, leaving you desperate to avoid failure.
These experiences taught your body and brain to link worth with achievement. As an adult, the pattern continues—whether at work, in relationships, or even in the way you treat yourself.
Brainspotting helps by:
Identifying the root wounds: You connect with the body sensations tied to these old experiences.
Processing stored trauma: Your brain and body release the tension, fear, and shame connected to perfectionism.
Rewiring beliefs: As the trauma heals, you no longer need perfectionism as protection. You begin to feel worthy just as you are.
Life Beyond Perfectionism
Healing perfectionism doesn’t mean you stop caring or doing your best. It means your self-worth no longer depends on performance.
With Brainspotting therapy, clients often report:
Feeling calmer and more at ease in their bodies.
Being able to rest without guilt.
Connecting more deeply with loved ones.
Taking healthy risks at work or in life without fear of failure.
Treating themselves with compassion instead of criticism.
Imagine being able to enjoy your family without worrying about doing everything “right.” Picture going to work without the constant fear of mistakes. Think about what it would feel like to rest, play, and be present—without pressure to perform.
Final Thoughts
Perfectionism may look like control, but at its core, it’s protection. It’s the body’s way of keeping you safe when love once felt conditional. The problem is, what once helped you survive now leaves you anxious, rigid, and disconnected.
Brainspotting therapy offers a way to heal these deeper wounds. By reaching the trauma stored in your body, you can help release the need for perfection and create space for self-compassion, connection, and freedom.
You don’t have to carry the weight of perfection forever. With the right support, healing is possible—and you can finally feel at home in your own skin.
Let’s talk. Schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation to explore whether Brainspotting is the next step in your healing journey.
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Jarae Swanstrom is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor helping overthinkers, perfectionists, and people-pleasers slow down and reconnect with themselves. She blends Brainspotting, EMDR, and body-based therapy to gently work with the nervous system and heal the deeper wounds that insight alone can’t always reach. Jarae sees clients in person in Sandpoint, Idaho, and provides online therapy for clients in Coeur d’Alene, Post Falls, and throughout Idaho. Learn more about Jarae or schedule a consultation at mountainrivertherapy.com.
