Can Perfectionism Ruin Your Life?

Perfectionism is often praised as a strength. It shows up in job interviews, performance reviews, and compliments from others.

“I’m a perfectionist.”
“I hold myself to high standards.”
“I always strive to do my best.”

On the surface, that can sound admirable. But for many people, perfectionism isn’t motivating or empowering—it’s exhausting, anxiety‑producing, and deeply painful.

For some, perfectionism doesn’t stop at work. It spills into every area of life: the perfect house, the perfect body, the perfect relationship, the perfect way of being. There’s a quiet belief underneath it all:

Once everything is perfect, I’ll finally feel happy, safe, and complete.

And yet… that moment never seems to arrive.

When “Perfect” Is Never Enough

You may have reached what you once thought was the goal—the job, the relationship, the appearance you worked so hard for—only to feel an unsettling sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction.

Maybe you’ve invested time, money, or energy trying to fix yourself or improve your life, but instead of feeling confident or content, you still feel uneasy in your own skin. So you search for the next answer. The next program. The next routine. The next version of yourself.

Social media often fuels this cycle. You scroll, compare, and wonder what everyone else seems to have figured out. If I just follow their advice, buy what they’re selling, or become more like them, maybe then I’ll finally feel okay.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken—and you’re definitely not alone.

Perfectionism Is Not a Personality Flaw

Many people believe perfectionism is simply a mindset problem—something you can fix with more discipline or willpower. But as a trauma therapist, I see something very different.

Perfectionism is often a protective pattern, not a character flaw.

It develops early in life as a way to stay safe, connected, or accepted in environments where love, approval, or emotional security felt uncertain. At its core, perfectionism is about survival.

How Perfectionism Begins

As a child, you may have absorbed messages—spoken or unspoken—that led to a painful core belief: “Something is wrong with me” or “I am not good enough.”

That belief carries a heavy sense of shame. And because shame is overwhelming to a child’s nervous system, you adapted.

Maybe you learned that being perfect reduced conflict, earned praise, or helped you feel seen and valued. You became the high achiever, the people‑pleaser, the rule‑follower, the one who never made mistakes.

And it worked—for a while.

Perfectionism calmed your nervous system. It helped you feel safer and more in control. So your brain and body learned to repeat the pattern.

But what once protected you may now be costing you.

The Cost of Living in Perfectionism

As an adult, you may notice:

• Chronic anxiety or self‑criticism

• Constant comparison to others

• Burnout or emotional exhaustion

• Difficulty knowing what you actually want or need

• A sense of emptiness despite outward success

You might feel stuck—wanting relief but unsure how to stop striving, fixing, or proving yourself.

This is often the point when people seek trauma therapy.

Three Ways to Loosen the Grip of Perfectionism

While deeper healing often requires working with a trauma therapist, there are small shifts you can begin making now.

1. Audit Your Social Media Intake

Pay attention to how you feel when you scroll.

Do you notice comparison, pressure, or a sense that you’re falling behind? Do you feel pulled to buy, change, or improve yourself in order to measure up?

If your nervous system feels more anxious or inadequate afterward, that’s information—not failure. Reducing exposure to content that fuels perfectionism can create immediate relief.

2. Build Awareness of Your Inner Experience

Perfectionism often disconnects us from our bodies and emotions.

If someone asked you right now what you’re feeling emotionally or physically, would that be easy—or uncomfortable?

Many people learned to disconnect as a survival strategy. But healing begins with gentle awareness.

Try noticing:

• What emotion is present right now?

• Where do I feel that emotion in my body?

For example:
“I feel sadness when I compare myself to others, and I notice a tightness in my chest.”

This kind of awareness helps regulate the nervous system. As the saying goes: If we can name it, we can tame it.

3. Practice Self‑Compassion (Not Self‑Correction)

Notice how you speak to yourself when you’re not meeting impossible standards.

Do you shame yourself? Judge yourself? Push harder?

Self‑compassion allows you to see perfectionism for what it truly is: a survival response shaped by early experiences.

Try reframing with statements like:

• Perfectionism once helped me feel safe.

• This pattern makes sense given what I lived through.

• I can honor why it developed without letting it run my life.

Compassion softens shame—and shame is what keeps perfectionism alive.

How Trauma Therapy Can Help

Healing perfectionism isn’t about forcing yourself to relax or “let go.” It’s about addressing the root causes held in the nervous system.

As a trauma therapist, I help clients understand why perfectionism developed and how it continues to operate beneath conscious awareness. Through trauma therapy, we work to release these patterns at a body‑based level—not just intellectually.

I integrate somatic work, nervous system regulation, and Brainspotting therapy to help clients process unresolved trauma that fuels perfectionism, anxiety, and self‑criticism.

Brainspotting therapy allows us to access and heal experiences that traditional talk therapy often can’t reach. We move at your pace, with care and safety, because this work can feel vulnerable.

If you’ve lived in perfectionism for years, even reading this far is an act of courage.

Frequently Asked Questions About Perfectionism and Trauma

Is perfectionism a trauma response?

For many people, yes. Perfectionism often develops as a way to cope with early experiences where love, safety, or approval felt conditional. In trauma therapy, perfectionism is understood as a nervous-system-based survival strategy rather than a personality trait.

Why doesn’t logic or willpower stop perfectionism?

Because perfectionism isn’t just a thought pattern—it’s stored in the body and nervous system. You may know you don’t need to be perfect, yet still feel intense anxiety, shame, or pressure. Trauma therapy works at this deeper level, where these patterns actually live.

How does Brainspotting therapy help with perfectionism?

Brainspotting therapy helps access and process the unresolved trauma that fuels perfectionism, self-criticism, and chronic anxiety. By working with the brain-body connection, Brainspotting allows patterns to release naturally, without forcing change or rehashing every detail of the past.

Can trauma therapy help even if I had a “good” childhood?

Absolutely. Trauma isn’t only about obvious or extreme events. Emotional neglect, chronic pressure, or subtle relational wounds can shape perfectionism and people-pleasing. A trauma therapist looks at how your nervous system adapted—not whether your experiences were “bad enough.”

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If this resonates and you’re curious about working with a trauma therapist who understands perfectionism at its roots, I invite you to reach out.

You deserve a life that feels authentic, grounded, and aligned—not one driven by fear, shame, or constant self‑improvement.

👉 Schedule a free 15‑minute consultation to learn more about trauma therapy and Brainspotting therapy, and see if we’re a good fit.

You don’t need to become perfect to be worthy of healing.

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Jarae Swanstrom is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor specializing in trauma therapy for overthinkers, perfectionists, and people-pleasers who feel disconnected from themselves. She blends Brainspotting, EMDR, and body-based therapy to gently support the nervous system and help clients heal patterns that insight alone can’t always resolve.

Jarae offers in-person therapy in Sandpoint, Idaho, and online therapy for adults throughout Idaho, including Coeur d’Alene and Post Falls. Schedule a consultation at mountainrivertherapy.com.