Body Image and Trauma: How We Learn to Hate Ourselves
I See You, I am You
You wake up and look in the mirror.
You hate what you see.
The size of your thighs, the roll over your pants, the extra flab under your arms.
Your body doesn’t look the way you think it should.
Maybe you’re already planning what to eat today, what to skip, and how much exercise you need to do to make up for yesterday.
You scroll through social media and see influencers with flat stomachs, glowing skin, and perfect outfits that accentuate them in all the right ways.
You wonder, why can’t I look like that?
You feel like you're constantly chasing a body that never seems "good enough."
If you're a mom, the guilt runs even deeper. You want to be a good example. You try not to let your kids hear you criticize your body. Maybe you control what they eat, trying to protect them from the pain you know too well.
You think, I don’t want them to go through what I did.
I see you. And I want you to know this: the way you feel about your body is not your fault. It's not because you're broken. It’s not because you don’t have enough willpower. It's because you've been conditioned to feel this way—maybe as a protective mechanism, maybe as a way to please a parent, or maybe as a way to fit societal standards. But, it doesn’t have to be this way; you can unlearn and heal from it.
Trauma therapy, such as Brainspotting and EMDR, are highly effective modalities that help you get to the root of your pain and suffering, releasing it from your physiology so it no longer activates you in the present.
Where Body Hate Begins: Childhood Messages That Shape Us
Many of us learned to dislike our bodies from a young age. Maybe your parents talked a lot about weight, dieting, or looking a certain way. Maybe they were always on a new diet themselves or made comments about other people’s bodies. Even if they meant well, their words left a mark.
Did your mom always complain about her stomach? Did your dad make jokes about people gaining weight? Were you told to "suck it in" for family photos or scolded for eating too much? These small moments add up. Over time, you start to believe that your body is something to fix.
Some of us had parents who cared a lot about how we looked. Maybe you were supposed to be the best on the soccer field or the prettiest at the dance recital. Maybe your parents praised you when you looked thin or criticized you when you didn’t. Their love may have felt tied to your appearance.
When Trauma Shapes the Body
Trauma can also change how we see and experience our bodies. If you experienced sexual abuse, bullying, or emotional neglect, your body might not feel like a safe place. Some people gain weight after trauma as a form of protection. Others become obsessed with controlling their size as a way to feel in control.
You might think, If I just lose weight, I'll finally feel better. But deep down, it’s not really about the weight. It’s about feeling safe, accepted, and enough.
The Culture We’re Soaked In: Diets, Social Media, and Body Perfection
We live in a world that constantly tells us our bodies are wrong. Everywhere you look, there's a new diet promising the perfect body. Influencers show what they eat in a day and make it look effortless. Clean eating, organic-only, no carbs, no sugar, the list goes on and on.
This is the age of the wellness diet. And while it may sound healthy, it often hides the same old pressure to be thin. We're told that if we eat just like that influencer or follow this perfect morning routine, we'll look like them too. But it doesn’t work that way.
Even "wellness" can become another way to shame ourselves. If you eat something not organic or processed, you feel guilty. And then you promise to "be better tomorrow." It becomes a cycle that is hard to escape.
Schoolyard Comments and the Birth of Body Shame
Think back to middle school or high school. Remember when someone made a comment about your thighs, your chest, your skin? Those comments stick. They shape how we see ourselves. Even now, as adults, those voices can still echo in our minds.
You may have learned to look at your body as a problem to solve, instead of a home to care for.
Tips to Begin Healing Your Body Image
Healing takes time, but here are a few steps you can begin today:
Notice the voices – Whose voice is telling you your body isn’t good enough? Is it a parent’s? A bully’s? An influencer’s?
Talk to yourself like you would your child – If your child felt bad about their body, would you shame them? Or would you comfort them? Try offering yourself the same care.
Unfollow accounts that trigger comparison – Fill your feed with real bodies and real stories, not unrealistic, photoshopped/enhanced influencers.
Start tuning into your body – Notice how your body feels, not just how it looks. Stretch, breathe, rest. Your body is not just an image. It’s an experience.
How Trauma Therapy Helps You Come Back to Your Body
Therapy that focuses on trauma, like Brainspotting and EMDR, can help you gently uncover where your body shame started and release the emotional pain that’s still living in your nervous system. These therapies don’t just focus on changing your thoughts—they help you connect with the deeper, often hidden emotional wounds that have been driving how you feel about your body.
Brainspotting therapy is especially powerful for body image and trauma. It helps you access the parts of your brain where emotional pain is stored—without needing to retell or even fully understand the original story. In session, we use the memories along with the body’s activation to help us find a “brainspot” or an opening into your physiology. As you stay present with what comes up, your brain and body begin to process and release that stored trauma. Over time, this can help you feel more connected to your body, less reactive, and more at peace within yourself.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is another trauma therapy that helps you reprocess painful memories. It's well-known and widely researched, and it can be effective for working through the specific events that shaped your beliefs about your body. Many people come to therapy knowing about EMDR—and while it can be a great entry point, Brainspotting often goes deeper for clients who feel stuck or disconnected from their bodies, especially when body image and trauma are tightly woven together.
Both of these approaches support nervous system regulation and deep emotional healing—not just “talking about” the problem, but actually helping your body and brain heal from the old messages that taught you to hate yourself. Therapy can help you rewrite the story, one where you begin to feel safe, connected, and at home in your body.
You Deserve to Feel at Home in Your Body
You didn’t choose to hate your body. It was your past experiences that shifted your view. But now, you can find some relief and start healing.
You deserve more than the constant stress of dieting, comparing, and criticizing yourself. You deserve to feel connected, grounded, and enough just as you are.
Ready to take the next step?
At Mountain River Therapy, I offer trauma-informed therapy, including Brainspotting and EMDR, to help you understand where your body image struggles began — and how to heal from them. You don’t have to do this alone.
Schedule a 20-minute consultation call to learn more. Let’s help you reconnect with your body and remember your worth.
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Jarae Swanstrom is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor practicing online throughout Idaho. She believes in a holistic approach to therapy, focusing on healing the whole body. Jarae helps women heal trauma causing perfectionism, people-pleasing, and emotional eating. Learn more about Jarae or schedule a free consultation at mountainrivertherapy.com.
